What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash