Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
damn he’s good
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*