who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
You Might Also Like
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My kitchen overserved me.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!