I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.