Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
adding to the discourse
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]