I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under