If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again