Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Bro what is this
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish