Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.