I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The only equipped I am is ill.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hank is one in a melon.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves