When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
🤣🤣🤣
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Not today.. 😂
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.