Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Happy Caturday!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Lassie, get help!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Hero horse inspires millions
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.