when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Buying a well is money well spent.