The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait