I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?