Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.