No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”