Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”