*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?