“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.