Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
there’s probably a fee though
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.