When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.