Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
can’t bark with your mouth full
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.