My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
You Might Also Like
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺