Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
multitasking lunch
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Just me?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.