“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What my back needs
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.