BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then