Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
<- sleeps well with others
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED