Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
LOOOOOOL
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭