Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
be careful
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok