My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids