roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Gemma Correll
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]