Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.