Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?