Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.