So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day