“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
You Might Also Like
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
my professor scared me for a second
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.