Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You Might Also Like
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Body by cheese-puffs.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I think I’m having a stroke
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on