I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
life finds a way
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great