Running from your problems is cardio .
You Might Also Like
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”