Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
sigh
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
This hospital has everything
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle