DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.