boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.