“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Dolls on drugs
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.