A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.