You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.