Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
This squirrel eats better than I do
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I ate everything, including the H.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.