No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
You Might Also Like
he chose this
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
just make the entire table out of coaster
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.