“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?