[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun